I have a weakness for bay windows. When I was growing up, I actively dreeeamed of living in a house that was bay-window-blessed.
Well hello dreams! I’ve arrived.
My room faces the street, and every morning I throw my blinds open as soon as I wake up. I don’t wanna waste a second of these baybies <3 I’m drawn to them like a moth to light, like Chris Brown to anger.
There is a downside to big windows though – I work from home and have many different types of appointments throughout the day, which sometimes means many outfit changes. I had a vague notion that the glare of the sun turned my window into something like a double-sided mirror. Like many of the things I believe though, this theory was not based soundly in science. Jogging past my room one day, I looked to my window and saw that it was more like looking into a fish bowl than a double-sided mirror. Interesting.
“So how many times have your neighbors seen you naked?” a friend asked shortly after I moved in.
“Oh, probs at least 14 times!”
I nonchalantly declared that I did not care. I didn’t know them anyway.
And then the neighborhood threw a block party.
I ate kickass homemade food, talked to interesting characters, and fell even more in love with our location. However, I also realized that my neighbors were humans with faces and eyes and opinions. I became suddenly self-conscious about my dressing-room habits, and started to rethink my firm belief that pants are not made for inside the home. Now that the people around me weren’t just abstract concepts, I couldn’t bear (bare) the thought of accidental exposure. I don’t wanna upset the couple with the fluffy dog. I don’t want the French-guy-startup-founders to be familiar with my underoux (that’s French for underwear, non?). I don’t want the guy running a non-profit from his living room to see my…anything! He scares me a little.
So, ever since the block party, I’ve been angling my closet door to shield myself whenever I get dressed. I don’t wanna close the blinds because I love to see out, but I had been forgetting that people could see in too.
I feel similarly about my blog. Are you ready for an imperfect metaphor? I have this need to get things out, but I forget sometimes that this means I’m giving people a direct view in. And the more I get to know my audience, the more self-conscious I get.
When I first started, I had no idea who was reading, so I didn’t mind exposing my every thought. As time has gone on though, some super kind people have told me that they’ve been following. This of course makes me really happy, and I love these individuals for taking the time to read and reach out (thank you!!!). However, it also has made me a bit hesitant. There are shortcomings, struggles, and points of growth that I want to write about still. Personal ones. Humorous ones. Painful ones. But sometimes when approaching these subjects, certain people who I don’t want to offend, shock, or show that part of myself to pop into my head.
I could just hide behind the closet door and write about fluff. But where’s the meaning in that? A long time ago I decided to believe that we’re given hardships for a reason. I see them as an opportunity to both learn and teach, and I don’t want to waste them. By understanding my struggles, I’m better equipped to help others cope with theirs. And by being a source of comfort to others, I find greater purpose and meaning in my experience on earth. So I’ll run the risk of oversharing if it can help someone through a hard time, even just a little.
Rather than retreating, I'm deciding now to challenge myself to face increasingly tough subjects. With writing, I’d rather stand by the window and let all my scars be seen. And now that I've achieved bay windows, my new dream is floor to ceiling panes :D But don't worry – for outfit changes, I’ll continue doing that behind the closet door for the neighbor’s dog’s sake.