On December 31st 2013, I found myself crying over a horoscope. Not my proudest moment. But a terrible January? Struggle until July? Whyyyyy?! Where was the bit about winning the lottery and being rescued by a hot dude on a pony?
The previous year was marked by separation from my husband and living on a thousand a month. I thought that had been a hard year, and I wasn't sure I could handle another one. But the horoscope turned out to be right.
2014 was a fucking doozy.
I started it off by losing my phone and gaining the flu in the polar vortex, and perhaps a bit more traumatizing: the relationship that I had used as a crutch to hobble out of my broken marriage crumbled, leaving me feeling weak and unsupported for the first time…maybe ever?
I flew back to California and was greeted by my shitty apartment and divorce papers that needed fixing. It wasn’t all bad though – my sweet roommate had also left a collection of healing items on the coffee table for me, including “Inner Peas” (so apropos <3), various teas (I’m an addict), cigarettes (not an addict! for emergencies only, kiddos) and flowers. Roomie had recently been spending most of her time at her boyfriend’s place, so I found myself a bit more alone than usual.
I’ve always loved and valued my alone time, but 2014 brought it in a new way. My business partner was also met by monumental life challenges, so our working relationship (which we both had been in love with) ended too. I distinctly remember a day early in the year when I was simultaneously struggling through divorce forms, filling out paperwork to dissolve my business partnership, and feeling wahmbulance about my ex. My family was far away, my roommate wasn’t around, and my closest friends in the area had moved to other cities. All the people I had relied on were falling away.
I sensed a theme. Ok 2014, I get it! You want me to face my deepest fear: Being Alone.
I realized I'd been focused on relationships of one sort or another my entire life, and wasn't even sure what it felt like to look at my own needs first. It was high time to find strength in myself. 2014 was the year to embrace being single and handle my company solo. Instead of investing in the dreams of a significant other, I threw myself into my own work. Instead of confiding all my thoughts to a boy between the sheets, I started this blog.
And then something happened I hadn’t expected. People kind of read it! Some were even compelled to reach out and reconnect. This silly little space to impulsively unload helped me find more like-minds than I ever knew I had. What started as a tool to teach me to be alone ended up bringing so many wonderful people into my life. I really want to thank you guys for accompanying me during this crazy year, if even for a moment <3
2014 was a doozy. I faced and got over a lot of fears: silly irrational fears, the fear of sharing my writing, and the fear of being alone. This adjustment was less than comfortable, but the more I got to know myself, the easier it was to be on my own. I realized I didn’t need the guy on the horse. I stopped wanting to be rescued. By the second half of the year, I felt like I was finally rescuing myself. Feeling stronger also meant that I could start to be present for others again, and get closer to a sense of balance between selfishness and selflessness. I still have a ways to go, but I know now how much can happen in a short amount of time.
December 31st, 2013, found me surrounded by snotty tissues, and filled with an odd sense of dread. December 31st, 2014, found me surrounded by the positive energy of others, and filled with an undeniably magical sense of optimism.
Looking back now, 2014 transformed and shaped me more than any other year. It was the hardest year.
It was my favorite year.